I just finished watching a film with Julia Roberts and Richard Geere. It wasn't pretty woman, but the theme was the same: love. As expected, the movie has a happy romantic end. Even though it's just a movie, it made me think about my own romantic live, or should I say about not having one.
Finding love can be daunting. Can one even really look for and find love? I'm not sure. According to Dr. Cox, "you don't find love, love finds you." I'd like to believe that! Maybe time will show me that it is true. Perhaps it's true for some but not for others. Some people seem to never find love. I think about those I've talked to in the study and who tell me they live alone, don't have any children, and whose answers in the CESD show they feel lonely, sad. I don't want to grow old and be alone...
Finding love is daunting. I see a lot of men in school, the metro-rail, the bus, the hospital. Some are very attractive… some look at me and seem interested, others look pass through me, some, caught up in conversations with colleagues and friends, don't even look. Oh God there's so much variety… Asian, Hispanic, Gringos, Blacks, older, and younger. By the way they look at me, I can infer what they're thinking, some look as if they were seeing a pretty girl, they look with tenderness; others look and seem to picture me naked, I can tell by their indecent and savage look; others seem to think no big deal, not a bit interested. I walk pass by many a day, and sometimes I wonder if I'll find "my prince" among any of them.
I've grown tired of waiting for love. I'm 26 and I've never been in a real relationship. I have gotten married, made love, and cried for love in my imaginary stories. .. To be continued
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
My True Self
Who am I? I'm an a considerate person, an extremely sensible young woman who feels the need to be loved and to love. I am a bit temperamental at times, especially when I'm stressed out. What stresses me out? Too much work, too many responsibilities, bad decisions I've made in school. I get stressed when I think about the big question mark that now seems to be in my future. Why the uncertainty? Well, let's say that I had everything planned…I wanted to be a psychologists…did I? Did I ever want to be a psychologist or did that dream become ingrained in me because of external influences? I think that when I decided I wanted to major in psychology, I had a very different idea of what psychologists do.
I don't remember exactly when pursuing a Ph.D. in psychology became so important. I do remember, however, when it started to become less of an option for me. This past year I have become more acquainted with research and with what a doctoral degree is about in academia and I know for a fact that I don't want to get a Ph.D. in psychology; reading the literature on my thesis is tedious enough to know that I wouldn't be able to do that for five years. Again, at least not in the area of clinical psychology.
What triggered such a change in my career goals? A combination of things; among them are my PRIME experience, my intuition-something didn't seem quite right in pursuing a doctoral degree in psy, and my sociology class. Basic ideas of sociology: we talked a lot about self-fulfilling prophecies. Although I'm not so sure how that class influenced my decision, I have to say that I started to think that I have the potential to do more than just one thing-becoming a psychologist. At some point, I internalized or exteriorized the idea that the only thing I could be or reach was to be a psychologist. I am good at listening people therefore I was destined to be a psychologist-this is what I truly believed at some point. So going back to the class, it helped me to see that perhaps I was being an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I though I couldn't be anything else and I was going to do just that.
I still have to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses, but now I am fully convinced that I have the skills to embark on a different path and connect with myself, with my true self.
What I'm trying to do at this point in my life, when I'm about to turn 27, is to listen to what my soul tells me; to listen to those ideas and dreams that I stopped listening to these past few years. Poverty…poverty…can you help children who live in poverty in some way? This is what my soul asks. I'm trying to find the way to do that…I know I want to help fight poverty, I just don't know how.
I don't remember exactly when pursuing a Ph.D. in psychology became so important. I do remember, however, when it started to become less of an option for me. This past year I have become more acquainted with research and with what a doctoral degree is about in academia and I know for a fact that I don't want to get a Ph.D. in psychology; reading the literature on my thesis is tedious enough to know that I wouldn't be able to do that for five years. Again, at least not in the area of clinical psychology.
What triggered such a change in my career goals? A combination of things; among them are my PRIME experience, my intuition-something didn't seem quite right in pursuing a doctoral degree in psy, and my sociology class. Basic ideas of sociology: we talked a lot about self-fulfilling prophecies. Although I'm not so sure how that class influenced my decision, I have to say that I started to think that I have the potential to do more than just one thing-becoming a psychologist. At some point, I internalized or exteriorized the idea that the only thing I could be or reach was to be a psychologist. I am good at listening people therefore I was destined to be a psychologist-this is what I truly believed at some point. So going back to the class, it helped me to see that perhaps I was being an example of a self-fulfilling prophecy. I though I couldn't be anything else and I was going to do just that.
I still have to be aware of my strengths and weaknesses, but now I am fully convinced that I have the skills to embark on a different path and connect with myself, with my true self.
What I'm trying to do at this point in my life, when I'm about to turn 27, is to listen to what my soul tells me; to listen to those ideas and dreams that I stopped listening to these past few years. Poverty…poverty…can you help children who live in poverty in some way? This is what my soul asks. I'm trying to find the way to do that…I know I want to help fight poverty, I just don't know how.
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